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First comes love...

My workmate celebrated her birthday the other day, and that night her boyfriend Dave proposed to her. She was expecting it this year, but didn't think he'd do it on a 'big day', so the ring in a pudding bowl at her birthday meal was a surprise to her. She's gone straight into Wedding Planner mode, and I'm enjoying it very much. Since this year started, Nikki has been desperately trying for a baby, but as it hasn't happened yet, I think she's glad of something else to work towards.

Call me old fashioned (I'm very old fashioned) but I've never understood the rush for children, especially children outside wedlock. If they accidentally come along, sure, fantastic, but to specifically plan for one with your longterm partner whom you do plan on marrying down the line? It just seems such a backwards way of thinking to me. First comes love, then comes marriage, and all that.

But then, I've never particularly wanted children, period. Moose's mother recently got wind of this. I don't think she meant it quite as hurtfully as it came across, but she told me that 'there comes a time, when you meet the right man, you want a little part of them...', i.e create a child with him. Not only did that sting incredibly, coming from my longterm boyfriend's mother (it obviously implies that she doesn't think Moose is my 'right man') but it just seemed so narrow minded in the scheme of things. To my mind, I have the right man, and what's more, I don't need a part of him. I have all of him, right here, with me, to share my life with.

When I imagine the future with Moose, I don't see screaming children and having no time to call our own, or the extremely limited finances that come with becoming a 'family'. I see us going on adventures, traveling the world, doing theme parks together, decorating our dream home, spending our money on expensive gaming rigs, attending conventions and being the big kids we are. The 'double income, no kids' lifestyle sounds very appealing to me, and always has done, and when this was said to me, I spent the whole next day over and over asking Moose if he's sure he's willing to waste his time with me, so dead set on my opinions while he's still so young and prone to change. At the moment he doesn't want children, of course, but I don't know how he'll feel in ten years time, and neither does he. It'll break my heart if he changes his mind someday while I still feel this way, because it's not something there's an easy middle ground to, is it?

Anyway, something normal I do want, and daydream about, and already have all planned, out is my wedding. I allow myself to be a complete girl when it comes to the dream wedding. Because I'm not going to have one of my own anytime soon, I'm living vicariously through Nikki and her excitement, now. She's doing it all so differently than I would, because I won't have a church wedding, and hate the hypocrisy of attending a church you've never attended in your life, just to hold your ceremony there. There are so many beautiful buildings and places you can get married in now, why limit yourself to a clichéd institution that actually has no value beyond the shape of the building? If you're Christian and want to do it 'right', by all means, but I like to think that any rational God out there would respect my decision to not be a stinking hypocrite, if he does exist at all.

For what it's worth, I want a Halloween, Autumn themed wedding. Not gothic or macabre, but fun and silly with lots of pretty gold and red and cinnamon. Alternatively, a Summer beach Tiki wedding, full of sun and passion flowers and leis, but I think I'd have to go to foreign climes for that one.

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( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
ljtaylor
Jul. 30th, 2011 11:49 am (UTC)
I think the media doesn't help with the rush for a family. Yes, it's true that the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes for you to conceive as you get older - that's just nature! - but I have friends in their early twenties who have had a nightmare of a time conceiving too. I think that sometimes, the more you think (or panic) about it, the more difficult it becomes.

Me, I'm like you. I like kids, but I'd rather be a cool aunt (although, for that I would have to marry a man with siblings!) than a full-time mum which, honestly, to me looks like one big ol' exhausting task. I've spent too long studying to not want to reap the benefits of finally earning enough money to go travelling and have a nice car/house. :D

I don't get the "right man" thing either. I thought I had met the "right man" when I fell hopelessly in love with my ex, but all that did was make the idea of marriage appealing, not parenthood. Before I'd met him I was totally anti-marriage, then it made sense. So I can say that yeah, I would like to get married if the opportunity presented itself. But kids? Not feeling it.


moonykins
Jul. 30th, 2011 12:23 pm (UTC)
I'm totally, totally with you on the "double income, no kids" lifestyle. That's what I want, too. Y'know, once I find the right person to share that with.

I do want kids, but of the furry four-legged kind. And that's one thing that will forever be a dealbreaker for me - if the person I'm dating wants children, he or she will have to look for someone else, because that's one compromise I refuse to make. I'm sorry, but I will not sacrifice my own happiness for someone else.

And an autumny Halloweeny wedding sounds wonderful. <3
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mehndix
Jul. 30th, 2011 04:40 pm (UTC)
Parent's minds work in weird ways when it comes their kids having kids.

My mom is very "have kids" mentality. When my relationship started to fail my mom came out with maybe the next one will want kids. She completely ignored the fact that it wasn't him that didn't want to have kids, it was me. The idea that female doesn't equal must have kids seems to be an idea some people can't fully get.
secondlina
Jul. 31st, 2011 05:05 am (UTC)
Dude. WORD FOR ALL THIS POST. I agree about the kid thing, the "why only a piece when you have him all" thing and the Halloween wedding. You're my hero.
sci
Jul. 31st, 2011 10:40 am (UTC)
Personally the worrying part of that sentence from his mother seems to be the idea that children aren't independent entities. You're not having kids together, you're copying a bit of your partner to keep for yourself.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )