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Let's get intimate

You know, I never once got the appeal of clubbing and going out with the soul aim of getting completely hammered, even when I was 'the age' that you're supposed to want to do those things. Likewise, 'getting off' with random guys, casual sex, kissing people I didn't particularly want to be in a relationship with. I got talking to a girl I work with about this, who is in her 30s, a married mother of two, and by all appearances a really prim and proper person (she's into crafts, has just joined the WI, loves floral and has a home decked out in Cath Kidston.)

She was absolutely dumbfounded when I said I've kissed, count 'em, two guys. She absolutely couldn't believe I'd somehow gone through my teenage years without becoming some sort of casual sex diva. "Everyone has flings!" she exclaimed when I said no, and what's more, half my social circle are in the exact same boat as me.

Truthfully, I wasn't interested when I was a kid or a teenager. I had crushes, sure, but they were crushes on celebrities; the guys at school were all utterly hopeless and did absolutely nothing for me. Thing is, I've never had a problem being single. I've a great circle of friends, a healthy social life, loads of people around me to do things with. I've never been a Bridget Jones kinda gal, never hated Valentines Day, never been unable to watch Rom-Coms or Chickflicks while suffering with the affliction of being single. And I'm not just talking from the perspective of someone who currently has a wonderful boyfriend. When I was single I never once bemoaned it. I'd wonder, sometimes, when I'd find 'Mister Right', but I never cried and downed my weight in icecream over it. I wasn't in a rush to join the dating game, I guess.

I'm a firm believer in waiting until it's the right person. I personally don't believe in just randomly fooling around with guys, though I don't judge anyone who does. To me, I've always thought that I can hang out, hug, spend time with, talk to, laugh with and kiss anyone in the world, but that something should be reserved for somebody absolutely special, that you can't or won't share with anybody else. To me, the idea of getting intimate with a ton of guys just absolutely negates the true intimacy found when two people truly love each other and click. I don't think I could date a guy who's had a hundred sexual partners before me. In fact, I know me. I know I couldn't. Even if I loved him more than life itself, his past and the fact that it just downplays what we have, in my opinion, would never leave my mind. I'd never be settled or happy knowing he'd been intimate with so many girls he didn't love. If he could do it with those, why on earth would it be special or meaningful that he shared it with me, too?

I've no problem with people casually fooling around, I couldn't care less what other people do between adults. I'm just speaking from my own opinion, of course, and how it amazed me that somebody could be so shocked that I'd not had that moment during my teenage years. Hell, I wasn't any different as a teenager than I am now. In many ways, I'm more like a teenager now than I was, haha. I never understood the teen rebellion thing, never had those troubled years, never felt the need to prove my adulthood or how grown up and mature I was.

As for clubbing, I've never enjoyed it. I prefer a quiet pub where I can chat and actually enjoy the company I'm sharing. I don't like the music they play in the majority of clubs (the only club I ever enjoyed was a rock joint in Bath where everyone was clad in leather, and where the music was not dance music) and I don't like the idea of having to 'dress myself up' to somehow impress the faceless drunken plebs I'll be around.

Charlie Brooker put it perfectly in his article, and as such, I don't even have the energy to type my own opinion. Pretend, for now, that I wrote this. Only I'd probably write it a little nicer.

I'm convinced no one actually likes clubs. It's a conspiracy. We've been told they're cool and fun; that only "saddoes" dislike them. And no one in our pathetic little pre-apocalyptic timebubble wants to be labelled "sad" - it's like being officially declared worthless by the state. So we muster a grin and go out on the town in our millions.

Clubs are despicable. Cramped, overpriced furnaces with sticky walls and the latest idiot theme tunes thumping through the humid air so loud you can't hold a conversation, just bellow inanities at megaphone-level. And since the smoking ban, the masking aroma of cigarette smoke has been replaced by the overbearing stench of crotch sweat and hair wax.

Clubs are such insufferable dungeons of misery, the inmates have to take mood-altering substances to make their ordeal seem halfway tolerable. This leads them to believe they "enjoy" clubbing. They don't. No one does. They just enjoy drugs.

Drugs render location meaningless. Neck enough ketamine and you could have the best night of your life squatting in a shed rolling corks across the floor. And no one's going to search you on the way in. Why bother with clubs?

"Because you might get a shag," is the usual response. Really? If that's the only way you can find a partner - preening and jigging about like a desperate animal - you shouldn't be attempting to breed in the first place. What's your next trick? Inventing fire? People like you are going to spin civilisation into reverse. You're a moron, and so is that haircut you're trying to impress. Any offspring you eventually blast out should be drowned in a pan before they can do any harm. Or open any more nightclubs.

Even if you somehow avoid reproducing, isn't it a lot of hard work for very little reward? Seven hours hopping about in a hellish, reverberating bunker in exchange for sharing 64 febrile, panting pelvic thrusts with someone who'll snore and dribble into your pillow till 11 o'clock in the morning, before waking up beside you with their hair in a mess, blinking like a dizzy cat and smelling vaguely like a ham baguette? Really, why bother? Why not just stay at home punching yourself in the face? Invite a few friends round and make a night of it. It'll be more fun than a club.

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Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
gemfyre
Apr. 17th, 2011 11:06 pm (UTC)
Ah that end quote is so spot on.

Jeez, I went to a NICE club the other night - strict dress code, very few under 25s admitted, all old music (mainly jazzy or 60s Go-go stuff).

But the music was STILL way too loud to hold a conversation inside, so we went outside, where we had to battle with a cloud of smoke and a crowd in the doorway holding burning objects (cigarettes). You can't win.
secondlina
Apr. 18th, 2011 03:04 pm (UTC)
Only thing I can say about all this is WORD. I agree about the nightclubs and the kissing thing. Though I definitely don't judge people who would rather go the sex and the city route to life, I was never into it myself. I was just too much of an introvert and private person. I wasn't really looking for the "right guy" in my case. In fact, I wasn't really looking for anyone. It kinda just happened. I just didn't want to waste any time with the wrong people.

That night club article has the best metaphors of all time.
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mysticchicken
Apr. 18th, 2011 12:04 am (UTC)
This is an awesome post, just sayin'.

I agree about the fooling around thing except I'm asexual. I don't really tell anyone except close family/friends, and I know I'm gonna hate it when I have to go to the gyno at some point and they're gonna ask and aaaaaaargh.

Either way, people need to get over it that not everyone wants to fuck everything on two legs. It's not "a part of growing up" for every single person.
moonykins
Apr. 18th, 2011 12:04 am (UTC)
Yeah, I skipped that phase, too.

There are four people I've kissed *once*, one was a guy I had a crush on and my then best friend was standing next to us chanting at us to kiss, two of them were drunk friends at a party who jumped me with the intention of "teaching me how to kiss", and one was an awkward peck from a guy who had enjoyed our date a hell of a lot more than I had.

I've properly kissed, as in kissed more than once, two people. A boy who was my boyfriend for a week (yeah. That was during my VERY insecure period, and he'd paid attention to me and been nice to me, so I gave him a chance. Turned out he just thought I'd be an easy shag, so lost interest when I refused to fool around with him). Which leaves Erynn, who, y'know, is my girlfriend.

The only one I've fooled around with is Erynn, and we barely fooled around at all because we were surrounded by people most of the time. We've yet to have sex.

...er. My point being. I agree with you a thousand percent. YES A THOUSAND. Srsly. I will never understand the appeal of one night stands, fooling around with random people, etc.

I want to kiss Erynn because I'm in love with her. I want to do other things with her because I'm in love with her.

I'm also completely of the opinion that being intimate is something personal, something special, something you share with someone you love. Call me old-fashioned, but I do.

So there.

(I also hate clubs WITH A PASSION)
reaperfox
Apr. 18th, 2011 10:34 am (UTC)
I want to kiss Erynn because I'm in love with her. I want to do other things with her because I'm in love with her.

THIS. This this this. I don't want to do it because I love sex/kissing/fooling around. I do it because I love him and want to do that stuff with someone I LOVE. It just totally negates it if you do it with everyone (in my opinion.)

Also I didn't realise Erin was your first ladyfriend! I gotta admit when you came out to crushing on her I was like "...huh, I somehow missed that memo!" and just assumed you'd always been bi but I hadn't read about it. Was that a weird thing for you, or had you already had feelings for girls before? (lol, sorry for random derailing of the topic, I'm just nosey :3)
moonykins
Apr. 18th, 2011 01:32 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm totally with you on that, I think it negates it, too. Kissing Erynn, whom I love is so, so much better than kissing someone I don't have feelings for. I've no idea about sex yet, but I imagine it's a hell of a lot better when there's feelings involved too, not just lust.

I'm sure someone will roll their eyes at that opinion, but whatever. If people think shagging whoever the hell, fine, whatever floats their boat, but I could never do that. I need a deeper connection than just "you're hot, let's shag".

Really? I've been openly bi for years. XD
I'm beginning to think I'm more gay than anything, actually. I'm not sure.

And, I've had feelings for girls before. I had a thing with my friend Anna a couple years ago, we were both crushing pretty hard on each other, but we never kissed, and my crush faded before we became anything. I flailed about it a lot in my LJ back then, actually. :P

Funnily enough, I also never had an issue with finding girls attractive, it was never weird to me, and I've never been in the closet. *shrug*
reaperfox
Apr. 18th, 2011 01:42 pm (UTC)
Haha, I totally missed that. Now I feel like a bad LJ friend! :( I'm guilty of assuming everyone's straight unless it's obviously apparent. When you mentioned Erynn I was like "Oh okay then", derp.

moonykins
Apr. 18th, 2011 01:51 pm (UTC)
Haha, no worries, it was a couple years ago, you might have been on an LJ hiatus or somesuch. It was back when I still worked on the jersey cow farm, which now feels like forever ago!

Hee, "oh okay then" is the best reaction. I don't enjoy the "wait, you have the gay?! D:" reactions. :P
reaperfox
Apr. 18th, 2011 01:58 pm (UTC)
Truthfully, seeing posts like you keep making about Erynn is exactly why I'll never understand people who look down on the gay. Love's love, for all its corny, cheesy beauty. How anyone could deny you the happy you've felt since Erynn came into your life, I've no idea.
moonykins
Apr. 18th, 2011 02:02 pm (UTC)
Damn straight. ♥
reaperfox
Apr. 18th, 2011 10:35 am (UTC)
Oops, god so sorry! Erynn! I hate misspelling names, it's so rude. :>
moonykins
Apr. 18th, 2011 01:36 pm (UTC)
Hehe, it's okay. She was born Erin, but when she got older and was surrounded by Erins, she decided to change the spelling to make it a little easier to tell her and the other Erins at school/work apart.

I'm actually not sure if she has changed it legally - she wrote Erin on the return address on the package she sent me.

But anyway, yes. Erynn. We have a mutual friend named Erin, so my mind gets confused a bit when you spell Erynn's name that way! XD
darkwingpsycho
Apr. 18th, 2011 12:46 am (UTC)
Oh God, thank you for posting this. Sometimes I feel like I'm one of the only people in the world who believe in waiting for the right person to have sex. I'm the same way with guys. I don't think I could date or be intimate with a manwhore, either. I feel like being intimate in that way is such a special thing, a very close connection that shouldn't be taken lightly.

I even believed that in high school and all through college. I've never desired to sleep around or have casual sex. I get the same sort of dumbfounded reaction when I say I've never even had a boyfriend. But that's because I don't try to force something that's not there, and I especially don't let society pressure me into doing something I'm not ready for.

I don't like clubbing, either! All those men crowding around and spilling their booze on you and grinding their junk into you. Ick. I'd much rather hang with friends at a low-key place.

Haha, I love that article.

I'm really, really glad you posted this. :)
reaperfox
Apr. 18th, 2011 10:56 am (UTC)
Actually it was one of your recent posts that got me elaborating on this one (it was originally going to be a rant about clubbing and how super lame it was.)

It's really really nice meeting other people who AREN'T super religious who feel the same way! I've read about it from tons of 'no sex before marriage' Christians, and fair play to them, but it's reassuring knowing tons of "normal" (no offense to Christians there) people feel the same way. I mean, heck look at the comments here. And like I say, half my current social circle feels the same way.

It's funny. I LOVE shows like Sex & The City but I watch it from afar because, while I enjoy watching the girls go about their lives, I know I could never live it myself, and I think a LOT of people feel the same but just don't voice it for fear of being mocked. Which is so, so silly. :(
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ljtaylor
Apr. 18th, 2011 02:01 pm (UTC)
I love Charlie Brooker. He just takes your opinion on something and then words it TEN TIMES BETTER.

I definitely prefer a chat in a bar over clubbing, but I guess clubbing in a group (if you go somewhere where the music is good and you can dance) is fun. I prefer music festivals for that though, as it combines the outdoors with live music. It's just too bad most music festivals cost a fortune now. :(

And yeah, I'm practically asexual compared to everyone else my age, it would seem. I HAVE had casual flings, but I didn't enjoy them. I've only been in love once, and that was with a man who turned out to be a compulsive liar and who completely devastated me. Since that relationship ended, everyone has asked my why I don't have a boyfriend. Because I don't want one, and I hardly ever meet someone with whom I have a spark. Sadly, I had "the spark" with the wrong person. But I really enjoy being single, I'm so much happier at the moment. Singledom should be praised and not mourned!
sci
Apr. 18th, 2011 03:46 pm (UTC)
Mostly a counter-rant to the opinions of Charlie Brooker
I'd say each to their own. I'd say clubbing is analogous to a roller-coaster, and you don't go on a roller-coaster for a quiet chat.
If you're comfortable with every evening being a quiet one, then fine, but some folk also like to go into an environment where it is purposefully mindless and feral. Whether it's because they can't or don't want to spend an quiet evening is generally irrelevant unless you're the sort of intelligentsia who looks for opportunities to look down on people for being born unable to comprehend or brought up in a un-intellectual environment.
Sure there's a swathe of people who're essentially guilted into going to these places by "friends" in a wash of social expectation, but I'm sure there's just as many who're guilted into pretentious dinner parties discussing Nietzsche, all the while sitting and fantasising about some simple adrenalin and endorphins where they could actually have a break from the formulaic tedium.
Mr Brooker's argument is just as much a part of the subtle societal insistence that we exist in one categorical box alone as any other. Morlocs or Elioi? Kings or peasants? Intellectuals or slavering brutes? YOU CAN ONLY BE ONE.

Fuck that. If I've spent a day lecturing board students, or researching quantum particles, or filing other peoples tax returns, maybe I've earnt the right to go out and stop thinking and do some pointless tribal semi-hallucinogenic writhing to primal noise that reminds me I have a body capable of pleasure, exertion and physical existence. An experience to remind me that at the end of the day I'm a human, a being, that I exist as more than a collection of quiet and collected esoteric concepts.
In short I feel Mr Brookers rant is just another person saying they're better than anyone who're willing to accept we're still human beings and not brains floating in person-shaped jars.

On a societal level we're supposed to be allowed to pick and chose who and what we are at any given time. As long as people are doing these things willingly, good on them. Explore, adapt and change.
ugerchucker
Apr. 18th, 2011 05:57 pm (UTC)
I have fooled around, as you know, but it's something I did because I never really got that attention from men when I was a teenager. And maybe it was something I had to get out of my system, I don't know, but it really is hollow at the end of the day. I don't really like it anymore. But I have enjoyed it. I'd never ever just sleep with a guy. I may have been tempted to, but I honestly couldn't.

There's a woman at work who was encouraging me to just fool around, but, as politly as I could bare, I just kept telling her that I wasn't into that anymore. I don't want to mees around with strangers.

I'm just so so glad I haven't lost my vaginity to some fling. A part of me is embarrassed to be a 26 year old virgin, but I'm also proud not to have just lost it to anyway.

And as for clubbing. No thanks. Give me a quiet pub with good music, good company and a fun game any day.
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )